call me ray. (emerald_jaguar) wrote,
call me ray.

keep your electric eye on me babe.

so this is my bar:

well, i suppose it's not MY bar. cuz then it would say something like 'tyler's joint' or 'the jaguar lounge' but it's the only decent bar i've found so far.
i'm a regular now.

it's been a fair bit since i posted. after i got back from RNO it was mad crazy hectic paranoia. went to les bois for christmas and new years. this is where i started:

and this is where i ended:

i had a good holiday. it was as refreshing as it was eye opening. which is not to say much, as i was sick for a portion of it and found myself still not at ease there. but i did stay long enough to realize why i don't live there anymore.
this was the cheapest tequila they had to start off new years eve in boise. it was a good reason to dress up, but nobody in town had a decent single barrel whiskey.

i quit my job at walgreens, stopped pounding energy drinks, i don't blaze it up anymore, and i am nicotene free now (last patch came off 3 days ago... feeling faded but sane). some might call it progress, i call it a reason to shut myself inside my house for 3 weeks and watch tv on dvd. i'm better now, or at least that's what i've been repeating to myself.

it's hard even to type this out to the blissfully ignorant void of blogworld, but i'm pretty sure that i'm not happy with my current situation. i got super sick in boise (see pic below) and went to the doctor there. after describing my circumstances to the doctor, she hooked me up with like 4 months of an anti-depressant called pristiq. everyone wants me to believe i have an anxiety disorder, but maybe i just don't like my life a whole lot right now. i've been trying these pills out, it's taken me from feeling like i was in a tom waits song into feeling like i'm in a bob dylan song. but not lucid bob dylan, nonsensical bob dylan... like "i want you". it's made the quitting that much more easy though. but for the disparate feelings i have concerning my life and the path it should take, it simply fragments them more. so most days i just end up feeling like this:

i felt so shitty in this picture.

so in pdx now again, now and again. i'm here until at least april. then to who knows where, she still hasn't decided where she's going for her externship. i still haven't decided if i'm continuing on either. the inanity is giving me insanity. i'm quite sure of it. but i don't want to stay here, and i don't want to go back to reno or boise. i've been feeling foolhardily ambitious and i want to explore. i wish i could have been lewis & clark, either one or both of them. or cortez.
i think john prine might have put it best when he said it this way:
and the water tastes funny
when you're far from your home
but it's only the thirsty
that hunger to roam

this is what i miss, and i haven't yet found a replacement for it:

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